Fear is waxing.

Warning:  This is a horribly depressing post.  And the pictures don't match.

The terror waxes and wanes.  I have so many fears.  I am still breastfeeding Maxie, and I am horrified that someone might suggest I have my breasts amputated before he is finished.  I look down at him while he's nursing and cry.  He giggles because he thinks I'm laughing.

I also sort of had a secret plan to have another child.  So I am also horrified that a doctor might suggest I have my uterus and ovaries removed now.  Well, maybe I would have had one, and maybe not.  I'm starting to think now that I won't, regardless of the result.  I keep thinking that if God did not want me to have another child, I wish He had come up with some less severe way of stopping me.  I unjoined the babywearing internet group yesterday and bawled my eyes out.

And then there is the fear that I will have these surgeries for nothing ... that I could have waited till I finished breastfeeding Max, or until menopause.

Or the even greater fear that I will have these surgeries and get the cancer anyway.  Or that I already have it, and it is already too late.

I go in for the blood draw tomorrow.  Oh, please, God ... Please, God, have mercy on me and my babies.  

(Sorry for all the selfish posts lately.  I feel like there is suffering all around me.  I wish I could get a grip like other people can.  Maybe writing about it will be therapeutic for me.)