Fear is waxing.

Warning:  This is a horribly depressing post.  And the pictures don't match.

The terror waxes and wanes.  I have so many fears.  I am still breastfeeding Maxie, and I am horrified that someone might suggest I have my breasts amputated before he is finished.  I look down at him while he's nursing and cry.  He giggles because he thinks I'm laughing.

I also sort of had a secret plan to have another child.  So I am also horrified that a doctor might suggest I have my uterus and ovaries removed now.  Well, maybe I would have had one, and maybe not.  I'm starting to think now that I won't, regardless of the result.  I keep thinking that if God did not want me to have another child, I wish He had come up with some less severe way of stopping me.  I unjoined the babywearing internet group yesterday and bawled my eyes out.

And then there is the fear that I will have these surgeries for nothing ... that I could have waited till I finished breastfeeding Max, or until menopause.

Or the even greater fear that I will have these surgeries and get the cancer anyway.  Or that I already have it, and it is already too late.

I go in for the blood draw tomorrow.  Oh, please, God ... Please, God, have mercy on me and my babies.  

(Sorry for all the selfish posts lately.  I feel like there is suffering all around me.  I wish I could get a grip like other people can.  Maybe writing about it will be therapeutic for me.)

The kiddie pool.

The kids played in their kiddie pool this evening.

I was working on invitations for the older kids for Ancient Egypt ...

... so I asked Dan to take a few pictures for me.  This is how he felt about it.  

But hey, doesn't he look thinner?  He's lost over 20 lbs.

Max, enjoying a popsicle.  He loves his Grandma!

Gabe and Joe, splashing in the pool. 

Asteroid Baby.

Asteroid Baby is what Gabe has been calling Max.  It's Max's superhero name.

Gabe has been helping his baby brother learn to walk!

Max can stand up completely on his own now, but he can't walk without help.

Gabe and Joe got their team pictures today.

Today was their last game.  They played the Green Gators (the best team in the league), and they lost.  (I didn't mention that they won their game on Wednesday night!)

Mom put out the sprinkler tonight to entertain Gabe, who was bored since Joe was not home.

Here's my little goofball, running to get in it ...

... and pretending it knocked him down.

Won't be long until we have two little goofballs running around ...

... just waiting for the Asteroid Baby to discover that super power.

Worry.

I won't let the blog turn into a place where I whine every day.

Thanks to Dan for being the target for all the whining.

Mom, Gabe, and Max accompanied me to get my root canal capped today.  They spent most of their time walking around the toy store next door.  Max loves balloons.  He can say something that sounds like, "Boon."

I've been slacking off on the party preparations, but I need to pick it up.  The fear that I might be a ticking time bomb is overwhelming.

Buddy cuts Gabe's hair.

Buddy gave Gabe a trim today with the clippers.

Looks pretty good!

He also had a driveway poured for Brian.

Here's one of his gardens this year ... the one with the corn, squash and beans.

And he also just finished building this safety rail (at my incessant pleading), so that Mom won't break all her bones when if she has a tragic fall while trying to go through storage boxes.

Here he is, babysitting Max.  Yes, Buddy does a lot of great things for a lot of people.  So I'm sorry, Dad, that I told you today I was desperately hoping to find out you weren't my real biological father.  I'm all messed up about the gene thing.

Living in the same place as Mom means finding little notes like this around the house sometimes.  We should not give the chickens banana peels anymore.  There is a very real danger that they might slip and fall.  (Love you too, Mom.)

And here's a youtube video of Max fussing to get Buddy's attention as Buddy cuts Gabe's hair.  He wanted to play with Buddy too!!

Coping. Or not.

So, how am I coping?  Well, what do you think?  Did you guess, not well?  A prize for you!

Of course, it would help to know what I am coping with.  Blood draw will be next Tuesday.

Some folks are coping well.  Gabe says, "Gene schmene."  Yes, he said those words.  And yes, I've told him ... in what way he can understand, making it clear that there's no threat to him at all now.  Of course, Gabe is used to his mommy worrying about lots of things and takes me with a grain of salt.  He decided to take pictures of rear ends today.

All the reading I'm doing is not helping me cope.

But at least these guys force me to!

The boys had a make-up soccer game scheduled at the last moment for tonight.

Scared vegan.

Okay, until I find out my level of risk ... I am going vegan.  Based on my reading, I think this is the best proactive change I can make to reduce my risk.

I might not be dealing with this as well as I should.  But I have this little guy to brighten my day ...

And how could I not smile, looking at this face?

Max likes to take little nibbles of big foods.  Here he is being entertained by an ear of corn and an apple.

He likes to listen to the little farm song that this toy plays and imitate the animal sounds.  Especially the bark and the quack!

I   L O V E   my boys.

Short post on account of bad news.

Not sure how much I should write about it on the internet, but suffice to say that Dad's test results did not come out the way we wanted them.

And now we have to decide what to do with that information.

And life goes on ...

Happy Birthday, Yomare!

We never can remember to adjust the seatbelt in the baby car seat until we're en route somewhere.  Here's Dan stopping in the ditch to do it on the way to Kroger today.

Max, Joe, Gabe, and Dan ... boys playing with toys.

Today we went to Brian and Clari's house for a pizza party to celebrate Yomare's birthday!

Here's Max, chewing on an apple core.  He seems to do well nibbling at them without taking big bites and choking.  And, he loves them!

And hey, did you know that Dan has lost almost 20 lbs?

Happy Birthday, Yomare!